News: Sucks to Be a Pony

God of War 2-B and Gran Turismo 7 Delayed into 2022 for PS4 Versions!

Remember when Microsoft announced that all Xbox exclusives would still support the Xbox One consoles for at least 2 years? Remember when no sooner having said it, opportunistic Sony started shitting all over them for supporting their existing customerbase? The same week where Microsoft revealed their generational transition strategy, Sony executives did a bunch of press, repeatedly insinuating that there would be a clean break between generations for the PS5.

First Sony mocked Microsoft’s Series X strategy, and now they are copying them!

Jim Ryan said it:

We have always said that we believe in generations. We believe that when you go to all the trouble of creating a next-gen console, that it should include features and benefits that the previous generation does not include. And that, in our view, people should make games that can make the most of those features. […] It is time to give the PlayStation community something new, something different, that can really only be enjoyed on PS5.

Head of Playstation global marketing Eric Lempel also said it even more explicitly:

As we’ve said many times, with PlayStation 5 it’s a brand new generation, and we believe in generations. So we want to evolve every part of the experience.

In many cases, we can’t take everybody with us from previous consoles into [a next generation experience]. You need new hardware, you need new devices to experience what these developers want you to experience.

In the same week as Microsoft pledged their ongoing support to Xbox One owners, one does not make statements like the ones that have been quoted above unless one wishes to communicate to one’s customers that support for their existing hardware is going away very soon! People overspent on scalped PS5 on the strength of this messaging, and now they are quickly finding that PS5 has no games, and the few games that it does have are also available on PS4!

Case in point, the sequel to the God of War reboot and Gran Turismo 7 have both been delayed into 2022 (at least) while PS4 versions of both games are hastily developed! Sony’s messaging is also markedly different now, with Hermen Hulst, head of Playstation worldwide studios, saying that focussing first party development efforts exclusively on PS5 would be “not very good business“.

Hulst went on to say:

You can’t build a community of over 110 million PS4 owners and then just walk away from it, right? I think that’d be bad news for fans of PS4 […] and if they want to go on and play the PS5 version, that game will be there for them.

Where it makes sense to develop a title for both PS4 and PS5 — for Horizon Forbidden West, the next God of War, GT7 — we’ll continue looking at that, and if PS4 owners want to play that game, then they can. If they want to go on and play the PS5 version, that game will be there for them.

Quick to draw attention back to true PS5 exclusives, Hulst said: That being said, it’s also very important to have showpieces for PS5, hence the development of Returnal and Ratchet that are exclusive to PS5.

Who is this supposed to appeal to? The main character of Returnal looks haggard and unappealing.

Wow, sucks to be a Sony pony! Imagine paying scalper prices for a PS5, only to have bought it under false pretences, while Sony keeps delaying your PS55 exclusives so that they can be developed for PS4 instead! Meanwhile, Playstation exclusives like Uncharted 4 and Horizon are releasing on PC, and those versions look and run better than the same game running on PS5! Oh, but at least you have Ratchet and Clank and Returnal! A mascot platformer that has been around since PS2, and a game that faceplanted into the dollar bin the day it was released! Both games too far into their development to be retooled for PS4. This is quite the cherry on top! In fact, the sales performance of Returnal is probably the precise reason that God of War and Gran Turismo 7 have been delayed for a PS4 release. Sony does not want one of the jewels in their crown flopping as hard as Returnal did!

Japan Is Super Important to Sony, Guys

This week Hermen Hulst, the head of Playstation worldwide studios, gave a highly incestuous interview to Playstation.Blog – the questions of which were probably written by Hulst himself. It seems he just wanted to clear the air about how super important Japanese developers are to Sony!

Bribing Square Enix to keep this game out of the hands of non-Sony gamers does not demonstrate any kind of commitment to Japanese development!

PSB: Another topic that’s been out there recently is Japan. Do you feel that, from the PlayStation Studios perspective, that Japan is still a big focus for development? Or are you maybe considering a shift to a more Western focus for game development?

Hermen: Oh no, I want to be very clear that Japanese games and Japanese talent remain extremely important to PlayStation Studios and to Sony Interactive Entertainment. Japan and Asia are strongly associated with our legacy: the success of Sony, the PlayStation brand, and many of our iconic PlayStation franchises were actually born in that region.

Did you know that Playstation used to be a Japanese brand? That is like so random, right? I like to reveal this surprising piece of trivia at cocktail parties to bLoW PeOpLe’S MiNdS! Then we all have a big laugh about it.

Hulst really should have stopped talking after saying “Oh no“!

I remember watching the PlayStation 5 Showcase event from last year. It struck me how much Japanese influence there was in the games that we showed. And what a key part of PlayStation’s DNA that is. It’s one of the things that makes PlayStation different, unique in my mind.

Yah, like what even is a Nintendo? Unique!

Playstation have paid bribe money to Square Enix in order to prevent people who own non-Playstation platforms from being able to play Final Fantasy XVI, and they think that the grand reveal of their underhanded bastardry was somehow a grand gesture of support to Japanese developers!

I know the potential from high-quality games from Japan and Asia, and some of the best development talent in the world is found there. They have that history of innovation, of craftsmanship and skill, that pride and team spirit. We very much want to continue those traditions.

Polyphony Digital is such an important part of the PlayStation family, making the best driving simulation games in the world. We’re building Team Asobi in Tokyo, a world-class studio that are developing a franchise for all ages with global appeal. Such a creative team.

‘Global appeal’ is a code word for wokescrubbing a product until it no longer has any cultural identity of its own. Team Asobi is a studio that was founded by a European, which only hires other Europeans for creative roles, but allows Japanese people to do the programming – and yet Hulst thinks that this studio is emblematic of Playstation’s commitment to Japan. Well, it probably actually is emblematic of their commitment to Japan – yet it is pretty bloody far from being the good thing that Sony seems to think it is!

Then we have Polyphony Digital and Gran Turismo, a realistic racing sim which by its very nature is incapable of projecting any kind of cultural identity, other than car racing culture. A studio run by foreigners and a studio making realistic racing sims are really the best, and only, two examples that Hulst can even think of to demonstrate Playstation’s commitment to Japan. The very reason that Sony’s commitment to Japan is in question is because Playstation of California have attempted to purge the platform of culturally distinctive Japanese software – and so these two sterile pseudo Japanese franchises that they allow to remain are really just more proof of how utterly hostile they have become to Japanese culture.

And alongside Asobi, we will continue to maintain and build partnerships through our external development team. So I’m really excited about the future of PlayStation games from Japan, and Asia. And I’m grateful for the interest and passionate support for our Japanese teams.

That sounds like a threat.

Who’s that Wokemon?

The Square Enix offices are gearing up for a monthlong celebration to mark Sodomy Month, the month when we all remember to be thankful for Men doing sex in other Men’s bottoms. Square Enix “wanted to do something special” this year because so many sodomy parades have been shut down over the last year due to concerns that attendees might catch the Covid bug. Square Enix have prepared a range of pro-sodomy merch featuring a 100% totally original sodomy mascott designed by Final Fantasy IX and Crystal Chronicles character designer, Toshiyuki Itahana. T-shirts will sell for $27.99 while hoodies will retail for $44.99, with 100% of the proceeds going to two anal sex advocacy charities; GLAAD and Stonewall. These products will then ship on approximately July 30.

Clearly the result of Toshiyuki Itahana’s 100% best efforts.

We’re starting #Pride Month off in style – literally (Rainbow flag emoji) Get limited apparel starring our Pride Mascot from our store now through June, with all profits donated to charities @GLAAD and @StonewallUK

Itahana has stated that the character is based on an African plant know as the Strelitzia. The character “represents diversity and freedom” to do anal sex, and the wings and shoes were included to symbolise the mascot’s freedom to travel anywhere – which is kind of funny given that many of us are forbidden to leave our homes for fear of catching the Flu.

Does something seem a little familiar here?

One aspect of Square Enix’s Sodomy Month messaging does seem a little confused however, as the company has allegedly urged people to suggest a name for their sodomy mascot, stating that the name they pick “might become part of Square Enix history” – yet when one of their Twitter followers suggested naming the character “Gay Snivy“, they were immediately blocked by the Square Enix Twitter account.

Changing an image by 30% avoids the copyright, so… not plagiarism?

One thinks that the Square Enix Twitter account doth protest a little too much! If one notes the way that Snivy’s leaflike head connects to the curve of his body, then it begins to appear fairly likely that Snivy was used as the base of Itahana’s mascot character – he has just turned the shape of Snivy’s body into the shape of his character’s left wing, and then made the back of his head protrude a little more. You can literally see how awkwardly the rest of the mascot character’s body connects to the Snivy outline of his head and wing! It even kind of looks like the plumage of Snivy’s tail has been relocated to the mascot character’s head! Now Square Enix are selling merchandise based on a Pokemon design! The Ethics Department says this is fine tho!

At any rate, it looks like that naming suggestion was a little bit too real for the Square Enix Twitter account to handle. Perhaps try playing it a bit more safe with name suggestions. For instance, one might try suggesting that the mascot be named after a pre-existing Square Enix mascot. Like, say, Tetsuya Nomura.

3 comments

  1. Kinomura-kun
    Ki = spirit, no = of, mura = irregularity
    Ki-tase + No-mura

  2. That’s perfect! It looks like a spirit of irregularity, as do Kitase + Nomura!

    But wouldn’t that also mean that Nomura’s name literally translates as ‘Of Irregularity’?

  3. A subtle dig as Square’s rotting cavities. Post it to twitter if you’d like, I don’t use it.
    I don’t really understand moonspeak, but it could be a conjunction of Nomu-ra instead of No-mura, or the same pronunciated word could have different meanings.
    Often that’s why translations of jokes are tricky, because there’ll be a lot of puns that make no sense in English translation. Mako in Kill la Kill did a lot of that, for example.

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