News: Where the Water Tastes Like Tears

Dragon Quest XI Western Release Date Announced

This is what we have been waiting for since mid 2017. The day has finally arrived. Dragon Quest XI has been announced for the West alongside a shiny new release date which is comfortingly soonish. This should be a time of great happiness and relief that we finally know what is happening with the eleventh installment of Dragon Quest. Instead this has been an announcement that has engendered a great deal of consternation and uncertainty. Dragon Quest XI has been given a release date of September 4 for PS4 and PC, but for 3DS not at all!

Are you fucking kidding Square Enix?!
A sunny veneer belies our icy reception!

If readers have not been following the development of Dragon Quest XI then it might not be immediately apparent why the absence of a 3DS release is such a big deal. The 3DS version of Dragon Quest XI is an entirely different beast than its PS4 counterpart. Not only did the game recreate the world of Dragon Quest XI in crude 3DS style 3D graphics, but it also gave players the option to play through the entire game with 2D tile-based graphics, giving it the appearance of a long lost SNES RPG.

Dragon Quest XI is still set to receive a Switch port, and now more than ever it has become vitally important for it to be the 3DS version that is ported. Sadly, this does not seem to be the case, as the Switch port would have been able to launch alongside the PS4 version if it were a simple 3DS port.

Our aim with Dragon Quest XI and the Dragon Quest brand is to grow the audience in the West. From a business point of view, it made strategic sense to release the 3DS version in Japan in 2017. For the West in 2018, it made the most sense to focus on the PlayStation 4 and PC (Steam) platforms.

We are also developing the Switch version for Europe and North America, but development is expected to take a long time from a technological standpoint as well, so we still have a long way to go until its release“.

If the Switch version of the game is being delayed due to technological challenges, then it sounds as though the PS4 version is serving as the basis for the port. Caspius is certain that Square Enix cancelled the 3DS version because they are hateful arseholes – and he is certainly not wrong, broadly speaking. However, it is possible in this particular instance that Square Enix simply did not want to confuse consumers by having multiple vastly different versions of the game releasing at the same time.

If PS4 owners saw the game on sale in the 3DS section, then they may assume that the PS4 version is a simple HD port of a 3DS game – which it very much is not. With that in mind they may have buried the 3DS version, knowing that they still had a Switch version inbound to mop up the Nintendonlies. If that were the case then it is understandable to an extent, but it is also bitterly disappointing, and it raises the possibility that Western JRPG fans will never get to play Dragon Quest XI in beautiful SNES era 2D.

Hajime Tabata Continues to Fail Upward

The Day Tonight has made no secret of the fact that Final Fantasy XV is a terrible game. This is not just because the game took a steaming dump on the traditions of the series, but also because it was released as an incomplete game, and then had the absolute chutzpah to charge owners a fortune in order to plug the gaps in its content. One man is responsible for this absolute shitshow, and his name is Hajime Tabata.

This is why Final Fantasy is in such an awful state.
This embarrassment of a game has seen Tabata rewarded with his own studio.

Tetsuya Nomura may have been involved early on, but Hajime Tabata was the director left holding the flaming bag of dog feces when it released, and by all accounts he more than left his mark upon the game. As such it is his fault that the game turned out so poorly. It is just a great shame that Final Fantasy XV made as much money as it did, because financial performance has deemed the game a success, and so Tabata keeps being rewarded by the company instead of flogged. By rights the man should be tarred and feathered, before being set on fire.

Instead of all that, Tabata has been given his own Tokyo development studio to produce AAA games, Luminous Productions:

Luminous Productions was established with the purpose of developing new AAA titles and bringing innovative game and other entertainment content to a global audience.

Staffed with members of the creative team behind “FINAL FANTASY XV” developed within another Square Enix Group studio, Square Enix Co., Ltd., Luminous Productions further builds on Square Enix Group’s vision to create new intellectual properties alongside our existing studios“.

At least we will now know which Square Enix productions to avoid in future, as the company has chosen to concentrate all of their most useless employees under one roof! The fact that ‘Luminous Productions’ was the name chosen for the studio hints at the likelihood that they will be reusing Final Fantasy XV‘s Luminous Engine. It is anyone’s guess as to whether the team will begin working on Final Fantasy XVI, or on a new IP entirely. Tabata has previously expressed his interest in being allowed to create a new IP, and now it looks as though he may be about to get that chance. whatever the case, whichever new project Tabata turns his hand to will surely be an unplayable mess.

Where the Water Tastes Like Whine

Sometimes life is just good. This week the co-founder of Fullbright, and sole programmer on Gone Home, Johnnemann Nordhagen, has run off crying to his bay area cronies in video game ‘journalism’ over the fact that gamers are completely indifferent toward his latest pretentious walking simulator. Nordhagen is apparently no longer with Fullbright these days, as his game Where the Water Tastes Like Wine was released through his own studio [it probably is not actually a studio] Dim Bulb Games. He spent $140,000 on hiring all his friends as writers, and then upon release he sold somewhere fewer than 4,200 copies of the non-game.

Where the water tastes like ashes in Nordhagen's mouth!
No hopeful stories here!

Commercially, it’s a disaster. I can’t discuss exact numbers, but in the first few weeks fewer people bought the game than I have Twitter followers, and I don’t have a lot of Twitter followers. [At the time of writing, Nordhagen has 4,272 followers.]

So far, I have made $0 from the game, that may look like a high number, but consider that it took four years to make — that works out to approximately $0/year … And then once you factor in the ~$140,000 I spent paying my contractors and collaborators for the game, you begin to see that maybe it wasn’t, financially speaking, worth it.

Joking aside — that’s dismal. And terrifying. At the end of the day it’s astounding that a game that got this much attention from the press, that won awards, that had an all-star cast of writers and performers, that had a bizarre celebrity guest appearance(!) failed this hard. It scares me.

I’m not sure that games like this one can continue to be made in the current market.

The game certainly did have an ‘all-star cast’ of writers, as the game’s credits read like a rogues gallery of the anti-gaming monsters that were unearthed during GamerGate, including Leigh Alexander, Gita Jackson, Austin Walker, Cara Ellison, along with both Claris Cyarron and Maya Kramer of Silverstring Media. In fact the game has an obscene 23 writers that were hired for the project, and one is willing to bet that every last one of them is an anti-gaming douchebag or degenerate.

This is how isolated these bay area SJWs are – he is not wrong, the people that he hired are all stars within his insular little community, but SJWs do not buy video games. The awful people that he hired are nobodies to the vast majority of consumers, and if name recognition is achieved, then it is likely a gamer recognising them as one of the villains seeking to wreck our hobby.

This is also a magnificent indication of just how irrelevant video game ‘journalism’ has become. Where the Water Tastes Like Wine won an armload of rigged indy gaming awards, and was the recipient of much free marketing by GameJournoPros, and yet it failed to register even a blip within the public consciousness. This makes for a startling contrast with the bad old days when journo shilling was able to propel Gone Home to meteoric success. They are no longer a trusted voice in gaming, and many of them have been seen to not even be able to play video games like Cuphead and Doom. Gamers now look to Steam reviews and Youtube impressions in order to form an opinion, as they are for us by us.

At any rate Johnnemann Nordhagen’s Marxist friends drained him of money like bloodsucking ticks, and he now has to move out of San Fransisco because he can no longer afford to live there!

He plans to move away from the costly San Francisco and go into his next project without the expectation to make money off it.

Too bad, so sad! Perhaps Nordhagen can use his San Fransisco exodus as an opportunity to talk with people who do not live in his isolated bubble of SJW hipsters. At any rate, nothing of value was lost.


  1. Dragon Quest XI has been given a release date of September 4 for PS4 and PC, but for 3DS not at all!


  2. Got any good hopeful stories? Anything with shitty grammar and a bit of nipple-tweaking self-aggrandisation?

    Actually, S’NooB, I think your last news story of the week is both good AND hopeful!

    It’s good, because shitty people with a shitty product are not being rewarded. And it’s hopeful because they are starting to realise that no one in gaming wants to buy their garbage ideology, so they should go peddle it somewhere else.

    “but SJWs do not buy video games.”


  3. It’s confirmation that GameJournoPros have successfully sidelined their industry. What did they think would happen?

  4. Was going to buy DQXI on PS4, still going to buy DQXI on PS4.

  5. @Imitanis: Same, but I was ALSO going to buy it on 3DS, because I wanted the classic 2D-style version of the game. If they were just porting that to Switch, I would buy it there, but because they keep citing ‘technological issues’ as reasons why it is taking to long to get on Switch, that suggests they are just trying to get the PS4 version working on the weaker Switch hardware. :(

  6. These walking simulator “games’” success is complete driven by the zeitgeist. They are a total crap shoot as to whether or not the fickle hipster crowd will take notice and spread the word. Generally I’d advise anyone making such a product (I hesitate to call such things games) to execute your idea on the cheap and in as little time as possible, success is rare and no one who buys those things cares about production values.

  7. @RabidKitten: I think you just won comment of the week for speaking 100% sense!

    Also WALKING SIMULATORS ARE NOT GAMES! Forever. Echoing on and on forever.

  8. Walking simulators should at most have the cost of a DVD, since they are basically movies

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