News: Ruining Games

Miyamoto Reveals Secret to Properly Breaking Games

This week Miyamoto sat down with the New York Times in order to discuss how Nintendo is planning for the future. Miyamoto initially mentioned that wherever possible he is having the younger generation of employees take full control over projects, which is as it should be:

More and more I am trying to let the younger generation fully take the reins.

Can he really refrain from meddling?
Miyamoto is Nintendo’s greatest liability.

Hopefully by this Miyamoto means that he truly allows these teams full control of their projects instead of having them watch over general development while swooping in from time to time in order to personally make changes to game mechanics. In recent years Miyamoto has ruined a number of high profile games. These days he is too busy performing corporate duties in order to be a proper game dev, but he just cannot stop himself from meddling with another team’s game designs, which usually results in hem being ruined.

Kid Icarus: Uprising was a portable game which required a plastic stand in order to be playable, Star Fox Zero was unplayable on account of constantly shifting control schemes and perspectives, and Paper Mario: Color Splash is severely bogged down by the player needing to press down on a touch screen for ten seconds before being able to perform an attack. All of these games look beautiful, and all of these games look like they should be fun to anybody who is not actually playing them. So hopefully Miyamoto is sincere when he says he wants dev teams to have full control of their projects.

That being said, it is possible that passing the torch will yield no better results. Miyamoto has been deliberately hiring developers who are non-gamers, and as they say: garbage in, garbage out!

Miyamoto also mentioned that he wants people who are more likely to create new kinds of play, rather than merely perfecting current ones. He said, “I always look for designers who aren’t super-passionate game fans… I make it a point to ensure they’re not just a gamer, but that they have a lot of different interests and skill sets.”

This is truly a case of the senile leading the blind! Non-gamers might be serviceable employees to have working on a game’s assets or engine, but when it comes to devising elements of game design they are hopelessly out of their depth. Non-gamers are completely ignorant of best practice mechanics, and they are blind to all the lessons learned over the course of the industry’s forty year history!

[RUMOUR]: First Details of the Next Pokemon Generation

Possibly Miyamoto has shared a few of his personal tips and tricks with Game Freak, because Pokemon appears to be the next Nintendo franchise set to be sacrificed at the alter of innovation. The same fate that befell Final Fantasy now looks to repeat itself with another of Caspius’s favourite series, as Pokemon looks set to dumb down its traditional combat in order to appeal to people who refuse to play any game that lacks button mashy action combat.

Another name for Caspius's shitlist!
[RUMOUR]: Pokemon may be the next series to be ruined by ‘innovative’ game controls.

This rumour is brought to us by way of the same Chinese source that revealed the existence of Team Rainbow Rocket in Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon. They claim to have been in contact with the Chinese localisation team, and apparently the game’s full script has already been translated – at least in Chinese.

The Pokemon battle system looks to be in for a big change! It is now predominantly action based, and has been described as sharing similarities with both the Digimon World games as well as Pokken Tournament. Apparently the new battle system will feature some kind of rock, paper, scissors mechanic.

Mega evolutions will allegedly not be returning for this iteration of Pokemon, though apparently Z-moves will be. Z-moves will apparently be performed using the Joy-Con motion controls. Presumably this means that third party controllers will not be compatible with the game, while also raising a question mark over Pro Controller Support. The Pro Controller features motion control capabilities, but the Joy-Cons are able to function as twin independent motion controllers, whereas the Pro Controller is much more limited in its use as a motion controller.

The game’s region will allegedly be inspired by Italy and Spain, and the game’s story will allegedly center around the conflict between traditionalism and innovation – which pretty much makes the eighth generation of Pokemon a microcosm of the problems of modern Nintendo.

The game is said to be scheduled for release around Christmas 2018 or possibly early 2019. One hopes for Caspius’s sake that this is fake news.

PUBG Shits On Own Customers to Virtue Signal

PUBG is an unfinished calamity of a game. The site has already covered the shabby state in which it launched on Xbox, and now Playerunknown has compounded this travesty with the game’s recent release in China. The game was released without properly developing the server infrastructure in China, and so when the game released in China and the player base demographic suddenly shifted to be comprised of over 50% Chinamen that created all sorts of problems for the games previous users.

This is the fault of Playerunknown. He created this situation. Money talks and consideration for consumer satisfaction walks. Western players built PUBG‘s success, and then Playerunknown shat all over them for the sake of his own personal enrichment. There is nothing unusual in that in this wretched industry, but he has this week attempted to hand wave away the problems he has caused by blaming everything on his customers just being massive racists:

Do not support this jackass!
This soyboy labels the very people who made him a success as horrible racists!

This kind of xenophobic attitude that a lot of Western players seem to have online is just disgraceful. It’s 2017! We live on one big planet together! What the fuck? I’m quite ashamed of those players that shout these things out. We want to create a great space for everyone to enjoy across the globe and locking one region out … I don’t know what the fuck they’re thinking.

What the fuck were they thinking? What the fuck indeed! And in the CURRENT YEAR no less! Maybe they were thinking that they want their game back? Maybe they were thinking that they no longer wish to absorb the bad decisions of the game’s publisher? Maybe they were thinking that Playerunknown should fix his shit!

Most players aren’t xenophobic, but they may be developing racism towards That Region due solely to the fact that there is no region lock and they abuse their lag compensation advantage, the lack of actual punishment for cheating, and Bluehole’s lack of effort on actually improving everyone’s gaming experience.

Everyone understands that That Region pays the bills for Bluehole and PUBG based on sheer volume of sales they make because they get banned (1.5 million and counting now), but if you want to cater and pander to them then build their servers. Wouldn’t they prefer their own servers based in That Region, where they can play competitively with people of the same cultural understanding of cheating, latency, etc? It’s the PUBG player base’s understanding TenCent is already doing this, but we need a fix now, not later.

Chinese players using distant American servers results in them teleporting around like Shang Tsung, immune to bullets because by the time American players see them they are already long gone. On top of this the new influx of Chinese players comprises 99% of all cheaters in the game. Furthermore, in a cooperative game like PUBG these new Chinese players pose a barrier to communication that simply did not exist before. Instead of acknowledging that the players actually have a point, Playerunknown decided to just call them racists and be done with it!

Fuck him! Why are gamers still cucking for this turd of a man? The game is already shit, so why are people still throwing money at this joker? If it was not for the game’s Western players then Playerunknown would have had precisely nothing to sell to the Chinese. People should remember this and never support another one of his awful games!

One comment

  1. PUBG isn’t a very good game when it works properly. That it doesn’t work properly should make it a clear choice: don’t play this game. But the armful of perfect scores from the usual industry shills has driven the unthinking masses through the gates of his second-rate project.

    Honestly, Battleborn is better. At least it works.

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