News: Cuck Noodle!

[PICTURED]: Noctis wearing a Cuck Noodle on his noodle!
Cuck Noodle!

Tabata Admits to Making XV Shitty on Purpose

Since the release of Final Fantasy XV during November of last year has been consistent in condemning the game’s pathetic and fragmented afterthought of a story. According to Tabata the game’s story was not a fumble, but rather it was shockingly poor by design. Apparently the team could not be bothered with ‘perfectly balancing’ the game’s story, and so instead decided to tell the story from the party’s POV – with most important plot developments occurring off-screen:

It was for the players to experience the story through Noctis’ eyes. The world and the events that Noctis sees are merely things that are seen through his eyes. We didn’t want to create a comprehensive and perfectly balanced story in this game. Instead, we placed importance on the main characters and for the player and Noctis to share the same experience when we tell the story.

Tabata went on to elaborate that if they wanted to include more characters and plot points in the game, then the team would have been unable to develop party members. This is exactly why there is absolutely no character development in Final Fantasy VII or Final Fantasy IX – because those games have more than four characters:

Focusing on many characters in the game means that the allocation given to the main characters will decrease. Instead of creating a comprehensive and perfectly balanced story, we placed greater importance on the four main characters and strived to depict a world seen from their perspective.

As far as excuses go, this is about as convincing as the Square Enix claim that game development would take six gorillion years if they bothered to render the inside of buildings. Then again, Final Fantasy XV rendered the inside of buildings, and its development took nearly that long – so maybe there was some truth in it after all. 

Finally, has been consistently critical of the second half of Final Fantasy XV, where tiny crumbs of level design are tenuously threaded together to make for an dissatisfying and unfinished experience. This week Tabata has confirmed that this design was a deliberate choice made by the Square Enix hierarchy in order to save money. In fact it was this decision that likely led to the ouster of Tetsuya Nomura in favour of Hajime Tabata, who was willing to knee-cap the game in order to shave a nickle:

Based on calculations that the development time and cost would double if the latter half of the game was to be an open-world environment as well, we had already planned to make the latter half more of a journey by vehicle. The structure of this title – to create memories while traveling in the open-world environment during the first half of the game, then have the story move forward linearly using the train in the latter half of the game – was designed and intended to be that way.

Ultimately, the claim that the game was deliberately gimped in order to save money is eminently believable, not least because it is what most of us were thinking anyway. On the other hand, it is far less believable that the team deliberately chose to gimp the game’s story, when the more parsimonious explanation is that they were technically unable to implement a narrative told from multiple perspectives on account of the game being such a technical horror-show that any change in perspectives would require players to sit through two three minute loading screens. It is for this reason that one literally cannot envision a bizarro-Earth alternate version of Final Fantasy XV that told a more nuanced narrative, as the game’s engine would have to be heavily rewritten to support such an endeavor.

That being said, a talented development team would have been able to craft a satisfying narrative within the limitations of the medium. Half-Life 2 did not require multiple points of view in order to tell an entertaining narrative which depicted all of the game’s major plot points. Chaotic Square Enix development cycles have made the telling of cohesive stories impossible, as the games are now continuously rewritten until mere months before release at the behest of focus groups, and somewhere in all that the games tend to lose their voice, and decouple the narrative thrust from level design and planning. How much longer will we continue to give Square Enix a free pass to churn out mediocrity?

The Ultimate Flavour Experience! (TM)
Cuck Noodle!

XV to Fill Plot-Holes with Cup Noodles

Final Fantasy XV is not remotely close to being considered a finished game [other than in sales performance]. As the previous story shows, the game’s latter half was deliberately designed as a sequence of level design crumbs strung together with cutscenes. Now rather than actually fixing the game, Square Enix are instead busy developing Cup Noodle (TM) DLC! Rejoice Final Fantasy XV owners, as we will now get to relive the famous Cup Noodle (TM) questline from the main game by dressing Noctis in the stylish and highly accessorisable Cup Noodle (TM) hat!

Let’s make our noodle dream a reality!” ~ Gladiolus

The Cup Noodle (TM) DLC will be available to buyers of the fifteen different Final Fantasy-themed flavours of Cup Noodle (TM) that were released as part of the Final Fantasy XV/Cup Noodle (TM) brand deal. Additionally, thirty [dubiously] lucky purchasers of these Cup Noodle (TM) products will win an Ultima Weapon Fork, with which to eat even more Cup Noodles (TM)! This Is great news for anyone excited to see further Audi, American Express, and Coleman brand deal DLC tie-ins. One is personally hoping for an Ultima Noctis Throne Coleman’s folding chair!

Tabata should be shot.
Cuck Noodle!

Make Your Own Damn Final Fantasy XV!

Final Fantasy XV is not even remotely close to being finished. Hell, Final Fantasy XV‘s Cup Noodle (TM) DLC is not even remotely close to being finished. Regardless, Hajime Tabata has been working overtime to spruik the PC port of Final Fantasy XV. Tell us again how the game broke even on day-1!

Before the game’s release Tabata spoke at length about how Final Fantasy XV needed to sell eleven million copies in order to break even, and obviously that did not happen. Now Tabata desperately needs to sell more copies in spite of the fact that the game is still clearly unfinished, and so he is desperately talking up a PC port of this unfinished garbage.

I want to release the game on PC, from a technical perspective. I want to show off Final Fantasy XV running on high-end PC hardware, for PC users, and it’s something we personally want to see as well.

I also want to try developing more on PC to look into making PC-exclusive features, like building your own questlines and even modding the game world.

Hajime Tabata wants to release a PC version of Final Fantasy XV so that modders can finish his incomplete game for him! Of all the self-serving nonsense, this really takes the cake! Real talk, fam. Fan sites can usually be relied upon for their readership’s unerringly uncritical support for everything their favourite franchise does, yet over at Nova Crystallis – a site which prides itself on its staunch support of Final Fantasy XIII – the comments section is littered with readers complaining about the state of Final Fantasy XV. Final Fantasy XV was a bridge too far for even hardened Final Fantasy fanboys.


  1. TABATA: “We made our game shitty on purpose. To save money. So that ENJOY DELICIOUS CUP NOODLE should really explain everything. Thank you.”

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